Did I miss anything? Probably. Definitely.
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Please note: This list is in no particular order. I kind of just wrote as things popped in my head and didn’t want the stress that comes with ranking them.
1. Broken Escalators
You’ve arrived at Hudson Yards via the Subway. It’s the middle of the summer in New York City so everyone is hot, sweaty and likely pissed off. Then again, New Yorkers are pretty much always pissed off.
Anyway.
How scared does this kid look? He looks like he just saw The Demogorgon and his Dad, or maybe his Grandpa (?), is like, “can you listen to me?”
Upon arriving at Hudson Yards, you have quite the journey out of the subway station. It involves a set of stairs just off the platform, followed by back-to-back escalators. The first escalator is an absolute monster and one of the more intimidating escalators to ride. And that’s when it’s actually running. Today is not one of those days.
On this humid, muggy, 94 degree day in July, the escalator is broken and your l̶i̶f̶e̶ day as you know it has been ruined. A lot of people getting off at Hudson Yards are there because they’re getting on a bus. That’s right, Hudson Yards is the mecca of both Bolt and MegaBus. It already sucks sitting on a bus for three hours and now you’re going to be doing this drenched and with sore legs. On the plus side, you didn’t skip leg day this week, so good job.
Can you imagine walking up this thing? It looks more like a roller coaster than an escalator. So yeah, broken escalators are horrible.
2. Thinking You Lost Your AirPods
If you own AirPods, the odds are you’ve lost them about 43 times and found them anywhere from 30 seconds to three years later. You have found them in any variation of the following:
Jacket pocket
Pants pocket
Any sort of pocket
Inside the couch
Hidden backpack zipper (Always seems like a good idea at the time)
Refrigerator/microwave/oven/toaster
A drawer in your brother’s friend’s sisters best friend’s Aunt’s apartment
You have been holding them the entire time
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought I lost either a single AirPod or the whole case itself. Each time sucks more and more, and each time I start questioning my carelessness, mortality, and purpose on the earth. I begin to reminisce about all the good times I had with my AirPods. On the Subway, cruising on a CitiBike, or the first time I walked around with them in my ears, listening to nothing, just letting people know, yeah, I have a pair too. Fuck with me.
This past summer, I was on a 10 hour flight home and at some point in hour five, my AirPods were M.I.A. The last five hours were filled with self-doubt, panic and sadness. I was a broken, defeated man. That is, until, by the grace of God, a flight attendant walked through the cabin asking if anyone had lost their headphones. Spoiler alert: They were mine! That feeling and joy is comparable to bar none. Maybe Benjamin Franklin Gates has experienced something similar, but that’s about it. It’s a high like no other. As someone who has experienced victory at the highest level, I can confidently say those victories pale in comparison.
Disclaimer: These are both not my fingers and not my AirPods
My victories at the highest level:
Ping Pong championship(s)
Coming from behind twice in a row to defeat a pair of high schoolers in two on two pickup basketball
Going to the gym back-to-back days
Cooking dinner one time back in college
My neighborhood barista knowing my order when I walk in
3. Having to start an email with ‘Hope all is well’
You’ve written it. I’ve written it. We’ll continue to write it.
It’s been emailed to you and will be continued to be emailed to you.
Hi ______
Hope all is well! Checking in on the health of your pet Goldfish. Nemo is a great fish but even better companion. He’s too strong to not fight through this.
I recently applied for a position on your team that I was hoping you could assist me with. Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your help and my fingers are crossed for Nemo!
Best,
Wesley
In memoriam
The unfortunate truth here is you don’t care about Nemo. You couldn’t care less if poor Nemo comes out of his coma and goes back to being the best Goldfish ever. You don’t even know why this person has a pet Goldfish but clearly you’re going to keep that thought to yourself. After all, this person might have your job fate in their hands. For all intents and purposes, you’re going to treat that Goldfish like it’s your own child. If he/she gets you an interview, you’re paying for Nemo’s hospital visit. If you get the job, you’re transferring Nemo to the best damn Goldfish Doctor on the planet.
4. Condescending Game of Thrones Fans
There are friendly Game of Thrones fans, I’m sure of it. I had a civil conversation with a friend on Saturday, a loyal “Thrones” fan, the night before the premiere of the new season. He asked if I watch, I said I didn’t and we moved on. Nobody’s feelings got hurt, lives didn’t change and punches weren’t thrown. It was a normal conversation between two people. We’re still friends to this day, true story.
If only all Thrones fans could be this peaceful. Shit, have I really just started calling it “Thrones?” Is this the first step of brainwashing me into watching the show? Am I going to have to alter this paragraph in six weeks when I finish the series to “Condescending Anti Game of Thrones Fans?”
No. I won’t. I’m strong.
Look, I don’t care if you watch GOT. (No more Thrones, I’m calling it GOT for the next paragraph or so. That’s what twitter tells me to do and three group chats I have nothing to offer for the next six weeks). Good for you if you do, and if you do, there’s a fairly large population of people who also watch it. Why pick on us common folk who have chosen not to?
If you’re someone like me, you’ve encountered these people and maybe have even considered watching just to shut them up. Every conversation basically goes the same. You tell them you’re too far behind at this point. They refute your idiotic statement and pretty much mock you.
You just don’t get it. You’ll get lost in it. It’s more than a show, man. Winter is here. It’s finally fucking here.
You tell them it doesn’t interest you. They tell you they didn’t think it would interest them either.
I didn’t even like it at first. I’m usually not into stuff like this but trust me. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made.
Then, the knockout punch.
I mean, what else are you even doing? I’m so jealous. I wish I was you.
That’s actually a good question, now that you ask. What else am I doing? Here’s a definitive list of other things that I’m doing.
Not watching Game of Thrones
Watching Instagram stories of Game of Thrones
Figuring out what to eat for lunch
Hoping my plans get cancelled
Deleting emails from Seamless
Getting told from my Apple Watch that it’s time to stand up
And you think I have time for Game of Thrones?
5. Sleeping with Socks on
I really can’t get behind this one. It makes little sense to me and I’m not even completely convinced it’s a thing. No matter how cold it is, I will not resort to sleeping with my socks on. My bed in my apartment is placed next to a window and I have the world’s thinnest window shades. Winters in New York are long, and even longer in my room and specifically, in my bed. Basically, what I’m saying is my room is freezing for around five months give or take. I’ve told myself for two years that I would rearrange my room, which would literally just involve me swapping my bed and these random shelves next to it. I’m writing this as I stare at these shelves and I’m amazed at all the useless shit I have on them. Here are some highlights.
Can you imagine if The Rock was on my shelf instead of this random rock I have? It would be like “The Indian in the Cupboard,” but better. I would also be so jacked.
Running arm band (I don’t run)
Four rolled up posters that will likely never get unrolled
Stationary because I send so many letters
Metamucil
Six unopened packages of different teas
A giant playing card of a Joker
A rock but not The Rock
A broken external phone charger
A headphone case of headphones that have been broken for two plus years
Expired license, AAA card and a couple of subway cards with zero balance
Hold up, I think I got a little off topic there. What was this paragraph about? Oh yeah, socks. Specifically, wearing socks to bed. This might be a hot take, but get ready for it. I’m all for wearing socks at any other point in the day. But when I get into bed anywhere from 12:30 A.M - 2 A.M, my socks will not be joining me. (Side note: I should start going to bed earlier). They will be spending the evening in my sock drawer, making friends with all different types, and brands of socks. Chicago Bulls Stance socks will become friends with Uniqlo dress socks. Sushi themed high socks will form an unlikely bond with mid cut Air Jordan socks. I love my socks, I really do. Sure, I have a few widowers who lost their loved ones in the laundry, but they’ve slowly found their way on my feet again, during the day. At bed time, I don’t want to be constrained with anything on my feet. It’s the time to let my toes breathe and have some flexibility.
Done now. I did not expect to ever write this much about socks.
6. Anything other than Sweatpants on a Plane
I’ve been on a lot of Airplanes the past couple of years. How many? Well, in 2018 alone, I successfully completed 89 flights, or 131, 060 miles on Delta alone, earning me the right to Diamond status. Quick humblebrag there. Onwards.
On zero of those 89 flights did I once consider wearing anything other than sweatpants. I haven’t calculated the exact number, but on those flights, I sat next to a decent amount of people, a lot of whom were wearing jeans, khakis, suit pants, etc. Additionally, some of these were cross country flights (San Francisco, South Africa, Shanghai). In what universe are you wearing jeans on a 14 hour plane ride? I can understand not wearing sweatpants on shorter flights. Maybe you have a meeting when you land and don’t have time to change. I personally think there’s always time to quickly change, but who am I to judge you?
The only airplane attire worse than Khaki pants: Khaki shorts
I sat next to a very nice man on my flight from Atlanta to South Africa. Let’s call him Pumba. We lucked out with nobody sitting in the middle so Pumba and I had a decent amount of real estate working for us. Spirits were high as they closed the cabin doors on July 27, 2018 thanks to the open seat. Pumba was a local of South Africa so I was getting some solid tips for my trip. He was pretty unfazed by the whole seat-gate thing since he made this round trip journey for work every couple of months but I didn’t let his apathy ruin it for me. He was also wearing jeans and I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a usual plane outfit choice for him. I started to put myself in Pumba’s shoes and started having hot flashes of how miserable a 14 hour flight would be if I wasn’t in my trusted Lululemon sweatpants. The temperature on planes often tends to fluctuate which gives me the flexibility to roll my pants up if need be. My flight compadre on the other hand would have a tough time rolling up his jeans. Sure you can do it, but it’s pretty tight on the calves and a little painful at times.
Also related:
Not wearing sweatpants/shorts in the comfort of your own living room. My column: